Something deeper...like potter's clay in 2008

Hello friends. I've been wanting to write something a little "deeper" for quite some time now, but I've been unsure what I should write, and wondering what would be interesting to all of you. Last weekend I was at a short retreat for pastor's wives and we had a time of sharing what God has been teaching us, specifically in 2008. I loved hearing what all these women had to say... so I thought perhaps that is what I would write about.


To tell this story, I have to rewind about six and a half years. It was the summer before Steve and I got married and we were at a Christian music festival. It was a beautiful July evening. The heat of the day had dropped to a comfortable level. We were fortunate to have excellent seating, and as I looked behind me, I could see hundreds of people standing on their feet, singing along with the words, hands raised high in the air as they worshiped God together. That was the night the Lord opened my heart to people in need around the world. Yes, I had cared about needy people for about as long as I could remember. But this night God made me aware that I needed to do something about it. Unconsciously I had always thought that it was an important issue... but an issue that other people would take care of. That night this notion was put to rest and I knew I was supposed to do so something. I suddenly had a tremendous burden for people who were in need - especially children. Apparently Steve felt it too, because as the music faded, he turned toward me and without hesitation we agreed that we should head over to the Compassion International booth and choose a child to sponsor together. My heart was happy because I knew this was right. I also knew that there was more. I sensed clearly that we should adopt some day.

Ok now... let's go forward to the beginning of 2008. Steve and I had already had two children; Seth who was two and a half, and Hadassah who was about seven months old (as well as two miscarriages). I found myself thinking about adoption every day. I thought to myself, "This has to be the year we adopt. It would be perfect timing to start the adoption process for an infant when Haddie was about one year old (as the process can take two years or more). Our children would be nicely spaced in age, and we were feeling quite settled in our home and careers. I brought up the "plan" to Steve and he agreed that this sounded like a good strategy. So, I began researching. I poured hours and hours into learning about what it is like to adopt internationally vs. domestically, an infant vs. and older child, from a private agency vs. from the foster care system. The longing to adopt consumed most of my free time, as well as other parts of the day. Eventually we chose an agency and decided that we would love to adopt a young child/infant from Africa.

The road block appeared as we began to fill out the application paperwork. We had both been seeking the Lord for approval on our plans and our timeline. Silence was our only reply. My heart started to sink and then plummeted as we began to understand that this was not God's timing. Gently and continuously God reminded me of His everlasting and steadfast love. But that was not what I wanted to think about. My plans were ripped apart and I was crushed. Although Steve and I both sensed that adoption was still most likely in our future (just "not yet"), I was soooo upset. I am a person who loves to plan things out, to have a list and check things off, to accomplish goals. Well, my plan was not panning out. The "perfect" timeline I had in my mind was not going to be accomplished. And I felt devastated. We have lost children through two miscarriages and I sincerely felt as if I had suffered a third. I had lost this child I had my heart and mind set on. And I had lost "control" over my life plans. Ouch. That was a hard, hard, pill to swallow....

So, what happened in between then and now, you might wonder? Many weary days, a lot of reading my Bible, and a lot of journaling what God was saying to me (not to mention lots of tears shed by me and comfort from my gracious husband). It became strikingly clear what God was speaking to me. He was telling me that He loved me with an everlasting and steadfast love. He was telling me that I needed to cling to that truth and trust Him, even (and especially) when His perfect plan and timeline for my life does not look like what I have laid out and cemented in my mind. He also spoke to me that I need to loosen my fixation on rushing to achieve my end goals. Lovingly, He has been teaching me that those goals are not what my life should be centered on. Instead, it is about walking hand in hand with Him. Together. Every day. Taking in all the amazing things He has to show me along the way.

(I included this pic. because it reminded me of "walking daily with Him".)

Ahhhhh. That picture is a lot different than the one that was happening as I hurried off without God, trying to plow my way through life and make my own goals a reality.

I am thankful to the Lord for teaching me these lessons. I know I am not done yet. And it has been hard. Last summer I truly felt like clay in the potter's hands. I needed to be remolded into the vesel God wanted me to be, and that wasn't too fun for a while... but now I praise God because I am learning how much better it is to walk with Him (and seek His perfect plan each day instead of merely asking Him to bless my plans).

One blessing I have received through this process is a better relationship with my daughter Haddie. This might seem completely silly to some - Haddie is only 19 months old for goodness sake! It is the truth though. Last year, as I mentioned, an enormous amount of my emotional energy went into dreaming about and planning an adoption. Sadly, I remember many nights of rocking my sweet baby girl while my mind was far away, focused on some unknown child (not to even remotely say that I didn't love and adore Haddie... it's just that I was so eager to have one more to love, I thought about it constantly.) It kind of breaks my heart to think about that now. I do still dream about adopting... yes, even daily. However, God has been refining my heart and mind. I feel so much more able to focus on the family I have right now, and I am more conscious about giving my little Haddie the kind of energy I gave to Seth when he was her age. Watching her respond by becoming more outgoing, cheerful and self-confidant, and listening to her begin to talk about God have been precious gifts that I'm glad I'm not missing out on.

So, this is my story about what God has been teaching me over the last year in a nutshell. My prayer for 2009 is that my soul will be satisfied in the Lord. I want to thirst for Him even more and continue to desire His glory and His plan above my own.

Thanks for reading.